Randy's Rules for Driving in India

1. There are no rules only guidelines
2. Generally speaking you should drive on the left side of the road (assuming the road is wide enough for there to be a left and a right side). If you should encounter a vehicle coming towards you on “your” side of the road, don’t be alarmed, refer to rule #1.
3. When you are turning onto any road, there is no need to yield to the oncoming traffic. In fact, it is best if you don’t even look to see if there is oncoming traffic, other drivers will take this as a sign of apprehension and will not deviate their course to accommodate you.
4. If for some reason you did yield to the oncoming traffic and find you have to wait your turn, you only need to put your arm out the window motioning for the traffic to stop as you bully your way in. If this doesn’t work at first try moving your hand a little, this is sure to work.
5. Controlled intersections: this is an intersection with a traffic signal that actually works. If the light is red or turns red as you approach refer to rule #1. If for some reason you felt compelled to stop, perhaps there was a large truck, cow, rickshaw, crowd of people or bicycle with two refrigerators on it in your way, most lights have visible timers on them. This is for your convenience, so you know when there is only 5 seconds of red left and you can proceed through the intersection before the light turns green.
6. If you approach a controlled intersection with vehicles stopped at it, it is perfectly acceptable to drive around the stopped vehicles so you can be the first in line. Drive on the opposite side of the road if you have to, to accomplish this. Don’t worry about if there is enough room for you to get back on the left side of the road when you get to the front, you can simply stay on the right until the light has 5 seconds of red left before proceeding through the intersection.
7. If you are not able to drive around the vehicles in front of you at a controlled intersection and actually have to wait in the line, the second the light turns green immediately honk your horn as the drivers in front of you are obviously not aware they only have to wait at the light until there is 5 seconds left, not until it turns green.
8. It is perfectly acceptable to make a right turn from the extreme left side of the road, or a left turn from the extreme right side of the road. This rule comes in handy when you have exercised rule #6 to get to the front or near the front of the line of traffic.
9. When the light turns green, if there are vehicles, people, carts, animals, etc., still blocking the intersection, you must, I repeat MUST, move forward until there is no visible space between your vehicle and whatever is blocking the intersection. There is two reasons for this, one is nature abhors a vacuum, and two it makes it virtually impossible to clear the intersection in a timely manner.
10. If you come to a blocked intersection, a line of stopped vehicles, or railway crossing with a train in the way, please fill both sides of the road using any dirt shoulders available. There is two reasons for this, first nature abhors a vacuum and second it makes it virtually impossible for the traffic to move anywhere.
11. Dealing with uncontrolled intersections, which is the large majority of intersections you will encounter, is very similar to dealing with controlled intersection and all of the same rules apply. Uncontrolled intersections have the added bonus that if you are a VIP, a VVIP (Very Very Important Person, a term actually used frequently in India), or and ITIVIP (I Think I’m a Very Important Person, a term Bobette came up with), you will automatically be allowed to go first. Titles are self appointed, you simply need to decide which one you are and buy a revolving red light for the roof of your vehicle.
12. When driving at night, you should drive with your bright lights on at all times. This is because the vehicle is equipped with them so obviously you should turn them on. Everyone else has them on bright you might as well too. Also you should drive at least 30% faster at night because visibility is greatly reduced (due to the bright headlights mostly), and if you can’t see anything in the road, there must not be anything there.
13. Honking: do it, do it often, and for any reason, or for no reason at all. If your horn wears out, flash your headlights.
14. Ignore the dotted lines on the road, they are just for decoration. If you find yourself strangely compelled to use the lines on the road the accepted method is to place your vehicle directly over the line so there are equal portions of your vehicle on both sides of the line. This applies if the lines are separating lanes going the same direction or the opposite direction. Solid lines don’t exist, that would use too much paint.
15. If you are fortunate enough to find a road that has more than one lane going each direction, you should drive in the right most lane (that would be considered the fast lane when driving on the left) regardless of how fast you are driving. Watch out for pedestrians on the road, the wider the road the more they seem drawn to them.
16. When driving at high speeds (above 75 KPH) you should always drive as close behind the vehicle in front of you as possible. There is two reasons for this, first, you can get better gas mileage if you can get close enough to draft, and second, you can test your psychic ability by reading the thoughts of the driver in front of you.
17. You will encounter numerous police officers while driving in India, fortunately they are only there to cause traffic jambs by placing barricades on roads wide enough for two vehicles so only one vehicle can pass at a time. This rule apply to two lanes highways as well so vehicles going opposite directions have to take turns passing through the barricade.
18. If you are waved over to the side of the road by an officer, just pretend you didn’t see him. He most likely doesn’t have a vehicle to chase you with and he won’t run after you. If you feel like contributing to the officer’s wage you can pull over and give him a portion of whatever fine he thinks you owe and he will let you go without a ticket. Being fined is not likely to happen as I have witnessed a number of vehicles, driving one the wrong side of the road, go right past an officer seated comfortably in his chair. If you are on a motorcycle you should avoid the barricades at all costs as the police are not afraid to motion over motorcyclists and extort some money from them.
19. If you are involved in a minor accident and it is your fault, get out of your vehicle, look at the damage to both vehicles, get back in and drive away.
20. If you run over a person sleeping in the middle of the road at night, do not stop as a crowd will soon gather and beat you senseless and vandalize your vehicle. If you survive the beating the police will eventually get there and arrest you for murder, because you should have known people sleep on the roads. (this is not made up - a famous actor in Mumbai is still fighting this in court!)
21. If you are driving along minding your own business and someone coming the opposite direction in a smaller vehicle runs right into the front of your vehicle and is seriously injured and your vehicle is no longer driveable, get out and run. A crowd will soon gather and beat you senseless because you are driving the larger vehicle. (again, not made up - this happens at least once a week in Delhi - often to bus drivers)
22. When turning across a lane of traffic (ie. When driving on the left side of the road you want to make a right hand turn across the traffic coming the opposite direction) you should drive on the right hand side of the road at least 200 feet before you get to the corner so the traffic coming the opposite direction knows you want to turn.
23. Also when making the above maneuver you should always cut across the corner. This is in case there is a vehicle wanting to turn right on the road you are turning into. The vehicle turning right will obviously be on the right side of the road as he is following rule #22. If there is a vehicle wanting to go straight or turn left you will need to work that out somehow. Which means, the bigger vehicle wins.

I hope this helps. It is good to share accumulated wisdom!